3 Truths I've Discovered Since Recovery
I’m coming up to almost 3 years since discovery. Let me tell you three truths I’ve learned.
He can’t fix it or take away the pain. Only He can fix and heal you.
I think it was about a year ago that something happened. I lost steam. I lost the desire to read another book on sex addiction, listen to another podcast on the subject or have one more hour of my life consumed with recovery work. I was done and just wanted my life back, pre-discovery (to a certain extent). I didn’t want recovery and sex addiction to rule my waking hours and keep back peaceful sleep at night. I didn’t want to live in the shadow of “what ifs” and “did I make the right decision” regarding staying in my marriage.
I think some of that was good and healthy, the stepping away. Because in this recovery work I was doing what I have always done; I was learning the rules and the processes in an attempt to fix things and beat this battle. I was trying to crack the code and bring my life into some form of stability and equilibrium.
My husband’s recovery looked different as well. It wasn’t as intense as before. He didn’t attend 2-3 groups a week. He didn’t read the same book as me and journal or initiate FANOS. I felt bitterness and resentment sweep in and then I realized it. I had this huge “ah-ha” moment. He had not done enough work, changed enough, bent enough, you name it, to have taken away the impact of all that betrayal trauma. It seemed a cruel revelation of sorts to be sure because, it was he who had wounded me so deeply.
This revelation enraged me AND then it freed me. I realized my healing wasn’t dependent on him. That it was and is only something I can pursue. And the invitation for God to hold my hand and walk alongside me, to bring me to “still waters” to “restore my soul” has and will always be there. It’s a beautiful and free gift. It’s not a one and done; this is life. This is a new view on life where striving can cease, and I can actually be “still and know that He is God.” And He is good. And life may never look the same and that is ok. I’m going to be ok and you’re going to be ok because the truth is in who the Lord is, Savior.
There really is no timeline for healing.
I remember as the months and then years passed, I kept waiting (and can still catch myself) for something of a supernatural “arrival”. When the lady half-dressed on the road, the cell phone out for too long or the places in town that caused memories to flood in, would simply stop bringing back pain. To be sure things have lessened. I don’t feel the same panic as I did in those early months of recovery. There is hope! BUT there is still pain. THAT IS OK!
There is nothing wrong with me or you because it’s been months or years and memories can still haunt you. I want to validate that because there can be this pressure to move too quickly so others, even our spouse, are not inconvenienced by our trauma. If you’re anything like me, you want others to be comfortable sometimes at your own expense. Or maybe, like me, your husband has at times said things like, “Are we always going to have to deal with this? Will there ever be a time when this doesn’t come up?” That’s his shame cycle. My reaction at times was to feel guilt and shame. I determined within myself to not express my pain (total pre-discovery coping mechanism) and put my head down to “push through.” DON’T fall into that.
Part of this recovery work is tied to self-worth and knowing you can trust yourself and that your feelings are yours to hold and have. That it is indeed safe and ok to feel. I’m not saying use them as a vehicle for your own rage sessions to sin and have a “cover up” for your own actions. Don’t go down that road... I am saying don’t put a timeline or “should” all over yourself because you believe you “should” be further along, or you “should” be able to manage that trigger better. Use those moments to be curious about yourself and where you are. Use those moments as invitations to dig deeper into what you really need or want. Emotions are a gift. They can be signals in our lives to point us to deeper truths. Not all we feel is the truth. We can learn to distinguish that by being gentle witnesses of our lives.
You will have a sisterhood, a posse, and it will be beautiful.
My “sponsor” would say, “You’re part of the club no one ever wanted to be a part of.” And it was true. The dejected and hopeless faces across the screen confirmed that adage. One or two might give a faint smile. Hope. Guess what? This is so much more common than most people admit. Unfortunately, but FORTUNATELY, you are not alone.
When you step out there and join a community and put your healing as a priority, you will meet soul-sisters. You will meet beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, intuitive, gentle, kind, determined, and hilarious women who know EXACTLY how it feels. They will be the women you text or call after a horrible trigger, the ones you pray with and cry with. They might be the ones you walk through a divorce with (on either side). The beautiful thing is, you will have authentic and real relationships not based on a shadow of a life but the ugly, beautiful, and raw truth of your life. Yes, you will step on toes and put your foot in your mouth. They might say something incredibly insensitive and maybe you won’t agree with all their choices; that’s OK!! They will be angels to you and you to them.
This might sound scary if, like me, close friends were involved in the betrayal you experienced with your spouse. Let me just tell you; you need other women. Do not shrink back and isolate yourself because you feel you can never trust another human being again. Do not place your trust in flawed humans to fill the holes in your life. That’s the place of God. Do engage in authentic and real relationships with other women. You need them and they need you.
In Conclusion…
3 years is about a month out for me. Last night I had one of those horrible dreams about my husband acting out. I woke up and knew I couldn’t live there. I couldn’t dwell in that muck. I did my devotions. I bent my heart back to the truth of who God is. Psalm 139 was where I landed.
Friend, I would like to tell you and myself so badly that heartache of this nature will never touch our lives again. I just can’t. We were never promised a life free of pain; we were actually assured of it. The beautiful surrender happens in that tension of knowing we are not immune from the sins of this world AND knowing we have a gracious, kind, and gentle Father who loved us enough to die for us. Dwell in that truth. Be still in the storm of your life and keep your eyes rightly fixed on Jesus.
By Lilia Rae
