I just wanted to share what God put on my heart tonight after our meeting. So I listed my debts, and there are many. As I read some of them, I was struggling to forgive my spouse for certain ones. God prompted my heart after our meeting tonight to sit and spend some time with Him. I confessed my struggle to God and asked Him to carry these debts for me.
God called me out... He told me there are many things that I have not let go. He then proceeded to list 3 that I didn't even consider putting on my list of debts. When He brought these to my attention, they were deep and piercing. (I could feel my trigger buttons being pressed.) These were the ones that were hidden in the crevices of my heart. But what He asked next really impacted me: Will you forgive ME? Will you forgive Me for letting it all happen to you? Will you?
That really hit me hard! To be honest, I am still processing through it. I would like to think I forgive God, but I know deep down... as I look at my list of debts, struggling with forgiving some of them... that perhaps my struggle is not only forgiving my spouse, but also forgiving God, and also myself. I know what my husband did was his choice, but as I was confessing my sins and weaknesses to my group last week, God helped me see that a part of me felt guilty and partly to blame for my husband's acting out. I didn't realize that until it just came out of my mouth as I was sharing.
"I am asking for forgiveness... for I am not a God who causes harm, but desires freedom for you. Sometimes I need you to go through the tough times to help you see the things I don't want you to have in your life. I know it sounds contradictory, but don't you agree that all this has helped you see, truly see your relationship with Me, and with your husband, and with others? I am taking you out of Egypt, Abigail... and sometimes, I need you to go through the difficult trials to reach the Promised Land."
Just like a dentist, He is drilling out the cavities in me. It's painful, but necessary.
He keeps reassuring me to not fear nor be afraid, because He will let His Holy Spirit do His work in me... and in all of us. He will refresh and restore us. Thank You, Jesus.
This verse came to mind from James 1:2-4... Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I don't necessarily feel joy going through my circumstances, but it brings encouragement to my heart that God's doing His work in me through it all... never abandoning me, but using my trials to sharpen and teach me to push through and persevere come what may, and not letting my tears, hurts, and pain go unwasted.