It all started with a Fake Confession.....
My journey began 8 years ago. A few months after having a miscarriage and one week before our 1st year anniversary my husband confessed to a one-night affair with a woman he was friends with. His completely broken sobbing confession painted himself as a victim under unfortunate circumstances where he was in the wrong place wrong time with alcohol influencing him. We sought help from our Pastor and his wife, and they advised us not to tell anyone but for my husband to get counseling.
Our 2nd year of marriage I caught his pornography use on the computer. Those first two years I went into fighter mode cutting off any unsaved friends, changing his number, deleting all our social media accounts, and getting rid of our TV. My husband went to counseling while I never did. No one ever knew. I was even given advice that God sees the victories won behind closed doors which made me feel like I was courageous for doing this alone.
My husband was never removed from being a worship leader and got nothing but friendship from our then Pastor. Years later it came to light that the Pastor had been cheating on his wife for 20 years. As the years went on, I assumed everything was in the past and thankful we had defeated the worst thing that could possibly happen in our marriage. It gave me a strange sense of false peace that it could never happen again because how devastated he was when he confessed and the drastic measures, he went to keep our marriage. We even got remarried on our 8th year anniversary.
And then a 10% confession
Shortly after our 9-year anniversary, I found a credit card in my husband’s name that I did not know about with thousands of dollars charged and over the credit limit 90 days past due. I of course said, “oh no Honey we have fraud!” He took me into our bedroom frantic so the kids could not hear to tell me a confession. He said what he was going to tell me would make me leave him He said he used it to pay women on video cam. I wanted to rage but instead by divine intervention the peace of God that transcends all understanding rested on me and the words “You are a sick man. You need help.” Came out of my mouth. It brought my husband to tears asking if I would leave him and I said “no I forgive you. You’re sick and need help.”
Finally, He confesses it all!
He jumped on the computer and found Captives Free and signed me up without my knowledge to join the group so I would have support. He said he wanted to be free for this for so long and he found a support group for himself. And then 2 minutes later we got a positive COVID test result phone call and were all stuck inside together as a family quarantined for 2 weeks!
I joined my first Captives Free group with a 103 fever. I remember learning about how some women had asked their husband to take a polygraph test and I learned what a full disclosure was. I told my husband those were things I think we should do.
It was a rough 2 weeks, and I was glad when it was over. That Monday I was so relieved dropping the kids off at school and heading home. I remember being filled with joy for the first time since finding out the news and then realizing oh no I think God is filling me up with joy to be strength for something.
He was. I walked in and my husband had his journal open with a serious look on his face. He said he did not want a life where he had to constantly get a polygraph test and even if I left him for what he was about to tell me, he would have peace knowing he was right with God. I felt proud of him and terrified at the same time.
My husband proceeded to tell me that he also cheated on me while we were dating and actually pursued the 1st year affair and even checked if she wanted something more before giving me the first confession. There were two women he had a secret relationship with for the past 8 years and one of which he invited over our house while my kids were sleeping as I was away on a business trip. The other women he would meet up with at playgrounds with our children to spend time with while sexting after. Another two women from work he just added this past year. Finally, the secret credit card he met his Mom secretly monthly for years for money to pay the minimum amount due while making his Mom resent me for not understanding why he had to have a secret credit card to buy things. She did not know he was using it for his sex addiction.
The Healing can now begin
I joined the next captives free group meeting feeling numb and in shock. My husband pushed me to join, and I actually did not want to. I was in such trauma. But what took place week after week was an understanding that I was not alone. That this thing, this sex addiction is not about me lacking anything and there is nothing I can do to control my husband’s actions. This is His journey of recovery and my journey of healing.
My healing journey with Captives Free has allowed me to focus on myself and truly understand what it means to care for myself and have compassion for other women. The pain reminds me this is real. This is life and I will not drown out the sorrow or seek a quick fix. I can blame my husband for his acting out, but I was zoning out away from my pain. Now I am facing it head on with a group of women that understands me.
Fruit is already being seen
My husband doing his work in recovery and my work in healing has brought us an intimacy I never knew was possible. We no longer feel shame being intimate together. It is beautiful and freeing experiencing what God had intended sex to be in a marriage.
This journey is not over but I am in awe by everything God has done already out of the pain.